30

so… i turned 30 today. i don’t exactly know how to feel about that. i have been telling people that i have been looking forward to this milestone because maybe then i will be taken seriously. not so sure right now. i feel that the older i get the more growing i have to do. i was watching my two girls play with danielle today and a wave of responsibility swept over me. i began thinking of what i have to offer these people that are more my life than just a part of it. can i really offer them the husband/dad/provider/protector/doctor/mentor/teacher/guide/friend that God has called me to be. can i do or be what they need of me. can i avoid what they need me to not be. i have been hit by this tsunami three other times. our wedding and the births of our two girls. i don’t like the wave. mostly because you have to react to it. you cannot stay neutral when you are forced into a moment of realization any more than those swept out to sea. is what is on the shore worth fighting for… is what is in front of you worth maturing for?

i think that when these moments come they are most be acted upon. you may have the chance to learn a lesson at another time but the context is different. lessons are to be learned when they are presented so they can be built upon. you no longer have the opportunity to grow and experience life with those around you with this new revelation of self. i have learned difficult lessons very quickly like the importance of no. and i have learned simple lessons slowly like the importance of laying on the floor for play time.

i grew up a bit today. not because i turned 30. i grew up a bit because i have seen myself as what they need. not that i have arrived. not that i will be it tomorrow. i have seen what i am capable of and it is good.